Every day brings with it new and fresh horrors that I could have scarcely conceived of the day before, and today is no different thanks to Instagram user The Cumculator, who claims to be uploading daily photos of what he says are loads of cum deposited directly onto his calculator.




For 100 days, the Cumculator has been cumming on his TI-30XS MultiView™ Scientific Calculator in the exact same spot, allowing the “cum” to set and congeal into a massive blob on the screen. On the 100th day, after lovingly stroking the blob, he “killed” the cumculator by pouring “cum” all over the rest of the calculator and declaring it time for a new series.


The account, which last posted four weeks ago, is anonymous. The only identifying information is found in the bio where its owner says, “Chill put [sic] guys please im only 17,” the occasional Instagram Story of the owner’s day-to-day life (today’s was a photo of a collapsed gas station) and the intermittent shot in the cumculator videos of the account owner’s classrooms, since he’s obviously still in high school.



Real cum enthusiasts should turn away now, because an examination of the account’s older posts reveals that in the very first Cumculator video, posted last November, the account’s owner was incredibly upfront about his master plan of “adding glue until you can’t see the screen anymore.”


That’s right, folks: This isn’t cum at all, just glue. Sorry to disappoint.


That hasn’t stopped people from stumbling upon the account’s videos and recoiling in horror, however, with the number one question on everyone’s minds being whether this is actually cum or not. Other commenters are quick to point them to the account’s first video and assure them it is not.


Either way, RIP Cumcaluator. While mildly amusing, you will never manage to reach the heights of the cum shoebox made famous by a Reddit comment back in 2012. Now that was a person truly committed to collecting their own cum in the most disturbing way imaginable.